Well ya know how the old saying goes: “sex sells”. It’s not opinion, but fact that if you slap some T & A on a product you have guaranteed sales. Now I’m not here to denounce the evils of pornography because to do so would be impractical and very much hypocritical on my part. But just because I don’t denounce porn doesn’t mean I can’t denounce stupid and those late night Girls Gone Wild ads are just that, totally freakin stupid.

Let me set the scene, its 2am and I lie awake in my bed staring blankly at the TV. All I want to do is enjoy watching some quality Adult Swim programming on Cartoon Network but my enjoyment is periodically interrupted by commercials. Fair enough I say because I realize the importance of advertisements in television. But then it inevitably shows up my TV, the first Girls Gone Wild ad of the night. I am instantly sickened as I realize this is but the first of several thousands that will air that night. From that point on every time they cut to commercial I wince a little as I realize another GGW ad is on the way, at an average of one mindless ad per break. After a while it seems like it’s the only thing their advertising.

What really starts hurting first is that music. The most generic ear wrenching tropical music I have ever had the misfortune of hearing. It brings to mind the image of a once great tropical paradise now in shambles. I see palm trees falling onto burning huts as villagers scramble about, ears covered, trying to get the atrocious sound out of their heads. The music drones over the entire commercial, every single commercial. It loops over and over again like some crappy old video game soundtrack. Indeed the song will follow me to the grave.

The music isn’t the only horrible sound associated with these hackneyed ads. You also have the pleasure of the voice over announcer who sounds WAY to enthusiastic. I guess I have to give him some credit because don’t think if I was in his position I could be so excited about being the voice of uninspired softcore porn.

For me personally, the highlight of the ads has to be when the announce states something along the lines of “These girls are finally 18!” which is then always followed by one of the girls saying “I’m finally 18!” The terrible delivery of the line just brings to me the image of a sweaty old cameraman standing in front of complete a bimbo as she undresses and touches herself. I get that image because that is exactly what’s going on. You see all mainstream porn follows some patterns, it is for that reason I can say I respect the work of those in the porn industry because their job is much more then pointing a camera on some people as they screw. There is planning, scenery design, plot writing, it is process with some inspiration behind it. But Girls Gone Wild lacks that inspiration. It has no purpose what-so-ever and relies on a pointless premise. If you are really in the market for porn, you can do so much better.

Like I said at the top of this post I’m not going to bash porn because I know its billion dollar industry. All I really want is for my late night TV viewing to be free of Girls Gone Wild. Because GGW isn’t porn, it’s just a sad experiment that just shows how pathetic humanity can be.